Lock up the menfolk, hide the booze — Chelsea Handler comes to town!
Now that her new book, Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang, is No. 1 on The New York Times bestseller list, I wonder who will play Chelsea Handler in the movie? Oh, wait: Chelsea Handler. After all, she’s first and foremost a comedian, actress and talk show host. I knew there was a reason I hated her.
Hate Chelsea, you exclaim? Yes — well, hate is probably too strong a word. But as a dedicated bookman, I’ve always resented show-biz types who “write” books and promptly leapfrog all the hardworking professional scribes simply because they’re on TV or sell a lot of records.
Yes, I’m talking about the likes of Jerry Seinfeld, Tori Spelling, Ray Ramano, Kathy Griffin, Artie Lange – you name it. Imagine how awkward family holidays must have been for long-suffering novelist Tom McGuane back in the days when his brother-in-law, Jimmy Buffett, tossed off bestsellers between tours.
I can think of two exceptions, celebrities who actually deserve to be slapped between hardcovers (as opposed to merely being slapped) by dint of actual literary talent: Woody Allen and Steve Martin.
Back to Chelsea Handler, who, by the way, makes three appearances in Miami today: I take solace in the notion that behind her success and wide smile hides the cliched sad clown, the poor little girl who was laughed at by the cool kids. But nah. Probably not.
After all, she’s a chick kicking butt in the boy’s club of late-night TV with her talk show, Chelsea Lately. Her ex-boyfriend, who she repeatedly mocks mercilessly in the new book, is Ted Herbert, president of Comcast — the company that owns E!, the cable channel that airs her show. And gets away with it.
She’s no Phyllis Diller, either — in December, Chelsea appeared in a nude Playboy spread (and no, I am not giving you a link to it).
Aren’t you starting to hate her, too? Rich, famous, sexy, with a top show and a No. 1 bestselling book and the nerve to make fun of the man who runs the company she works for?!?
Show-biz humor books not being (sniff!) my cup of tea, I have not read Chelsea, but I’m sure we can find plenty of reviews detailing just how vapid they are. So let’s go to Google: Yes…Mmm….oh, there’s Playboy–My word!…Yes: Here we are. Publishers Weekly: “Her essays are packed with enough laugh-out-loud moments to rival a first-rate stand-up act.”
No, wait. What? Okay, let’s try this, from the New York Post: “She’s too clever for words.” Dagnabbit! That’s not what I’m looking for.
Aha! Here’s a review from something called Momsword.org. Given the titles of Chelsea’s three books (My Horizontal Life and Are You There Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea are the first two) I can just imagine what the Moms will have to say:
“This book isn’t for everyone, especially conservative and religious people.” Uh-HUH! I think not! “But this book is great if you are stressed out…Momsword.org LOVES LOVES this book.”
See I told you– Huh?
What is the world coming to when you can’t trust the Moms? Can’t anyone write in to tell us what a poor writer and general danger to family values Chelsea Handler is?